


Communication Breakdown

by Soulstoned



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Body Modification, Humor, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mpreg, Oviposition, Size Kink, Tentacles, Xenophilia, belly bulge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2019-11-17 20:36:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18106013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soulstoned/pseuds/Soulstoned
Summary: Dave isn't really sure what to think when the aliens first choose him to be one of Earth's representatives.  He is a pizza delivery driver, not an interplanetary ambassador. He gets in over his head when a passing joke is taken as a serious request. Can he get through this without offending the aliens who are trying to determine the fate of the Earth? There is one thing he knows for sure, next time he is going to ask more questions.





	Communication Breakdown

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eidetic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eidetic/gifts).



To say that the Earth is on the edge of panic might be an understatement. In the several months since the arrival of the ambassadors from planet Zarthax, all attempts by Earth leadership to negotiate with the ambassadors have been ignored in favor of seeking out what they deem “average” representations of the human race. Nobody is really sure what they are trying to decide, but there is no doubt that the Earth and its citizens are being evaluated for something. 

The first time Dravok and Kuldo, two of the ambassadors, visited Dave they spent nearly an hour holding a very one-sided conversation with his cat, Tabitha. Dave wasn’t sure what to do, so he just let it happen and privately thanked Tabitha later for not making it any more awkward than it had to be.

On their second visit, he isn’t able to get out of the conversation quite so easily. This time the aliens have done their research and know what humans look like. Dravok admits that he found it odd that Tabitha didn't respond to any of his questions, but he had simply assumed that his translator wasn’t set correctly and he didn’t want to call any attention to his ineptitude in front of Kuldo.

As the aliens prepare to leave Dave’s apartment, Kuldo says “On our next visit, we’ll be taking you on a tour in our spaceship. These tours usually last a few of your Earth days, so if there is anything you’ll need in order to be comfortable on the journey, please let us know.”

“I’ve played enough of The Sims to know where this is going,” says Dave with a laugh. His neighbors have accused him of not taking this seriously enough on more than one occasion, but what exactly is he supposed to do in this situation? Dave is a twenty-eight year old pizza delivery driver who dropped out of college to focus on his band. He isn’t exactly “interplanetary ambassador” material.

The aliens look at each other, unsure what Dave is referencing, and jot it down in their notepad to research later. 

Once he returns to the ship, Dravok looks up The Sims, which then leads him down a rabbit hole of human mating habits and courtship rituals. Kuldo looks over Dravok’s shoulder as he does his research. “Are you sure this is what he meant?” asks Kuldo, with a pained expression on his face.

“He was very clear,” says Dravok, “He expects our next visit to be like The Sims.”

“Surely we can just inform him that the game is very different from how we usually operate. Does he even have the anatomy required to support one of our eggs?” asks Kuldo.

“I looked that up as well, and I think I’ve found a workaround. We can insert an artificial breeding pouch right here,” says Dravok, pointing to an anatomical model of a human male. “It would serve as a place to incubate an egg, hopefully without any lasting harm done.”

“I’ll get it set up, but I’m not laying any eggs in that thing,” says Kuldo, looking disgusted at the very idea.

“I’m sure I can spare an egg for his comfort,” says Dravok, as if he hadn’t recently been caught looking at weird Earth pornography while stimulating his ovipositor. “Did you know humans made an artificial ovipositor called the splorch? Maybe they’re just as into us as we’re into them.” he says, looking hopeful.

Kuldo rolls his eyes “There is no ‘we’ here, Dravok. This is a you thing.”

“Even still, it only takes one of us. I’ll volunteer,” says Dravok, blue skin turning slightly purple as he blushes.

“I’m sure this is such a hardship for you,” says Kuldo with a laugh.

____

A week later, Dave is alerted to their arrival by a knock on his front door. “Our ship is overhead, but we thought it would be polite to warn you before beaming you up. According to our research, humans are unaccustomed to it,” says Kuldo.

“I appreciate the heads up,” says Dave, pulling his hair back into a ponytail and grabbing a duffel bag from the floor next to his bed. “Let’s do this.”

Kuldo nods and hits a button on his communication device and the two of them are beamed onto the ship. Dave takes a look around the laboratory as Kuldo arranges surgical instruments on a nearby table. 

“Before we proceed, there is a small procedure you must have in order for this next part to work,” says Kuldo.

Dave's eyes settle on the surgical instruments that are laid out on the table and he gulps “You're at least going to knock me out first, right?” he asks, eying Kuldo warily.

“The procedure is painless, but I can put you into a deep sleep first if that would make you more comfortable,” says Kuldo.

“Please,” says Dave, sitting his bag down and taking a seat on the gurney.

“Very well, I’ll wake you when I’m finished,” says Kuldo as he places a hand on Dave's temple and eases him into a deep sleep. 

When Dave wakes up a few minutes later, he doesn't feel any different. 

“Dravok should be ready for you now, down the hall and through the door to your left,” says Kuldo, motioning to the exit. 

“Are you not coming?” asks Dave.

“Um...no. I don't believe my services will be necessary,” says Kuldo, turning quickly to hide his blush. “Humans are wild,” he mutters under his breath.

Dave isn't really sure how he is supposed to take that as he heads down the hall to meet up with Dravok. He pauses for a moment outside the door to collect himself, but nothing could’ve prepared him for what he sees when he enters the room.

Dravok is laying on his side in the middle of a raised heart-shaped bed wearing red lace lingerie and holding a rose between his sharp teeth. The room is filled with candles, and there is a bottle of champagne and two glasses on the bedside table. Whatever Dave was expecting, this isn't it.

“Hello, David Smith,” says Dravok around the rose, without moving from his pose on the bed.

“Y...you can just call me Dave,” says Dave, trying to look at literally anything other than the eight foot tall blue alien lizard that is currently trying to seduce him. 

Dravok pulls a box of chocolates from underneath the pillow and sits up on the bed to offer them to Dave “I understand that this is a standard courtship gift for your species, I hope the selection is to your liking, there were a lot of options,” he says, blushing slightly.

Dave approaches the bed. He can't believe he is considering this, but it has been a long dry spell and the alien is being sweet about it. The last guy he went to bed with called him the wrong name twice and ran out on the tab for dinner, so this is a few steps better than that at least.

“This is good chocolate, thank you,” Dave says, selecting a dark chocolate walnut cluster from the box. It would be rude to turn down a gift, after all. Dravok's smile widens as he eats the rose he had been clutching in his mouth moments before. Dave feels his heart leap in his chest. That is adorable, okay he is definitely doing this. 

Dave grabs the bottle of champagne from the bedside table and takes a swig, not bothering with a glass. “So, do you do this with all the humans?” he asks curiously.

“No, only you,” says Dravok, moving to the edge of the bed to sit the chocolates on the bedside table and make room for Dave to climb up. “You may need to teach me what you like. I did research, but if humans are anything like Zarthaxians, you’re all different.”

Dave steps into the space where Dravok's legs are hanging over the edge of the bed “I think that can be arranged,” he says, pressing forward against the tall blue alien to kiss him on the mouth, careful to avoid cutting himself on the razor sharp teeth inside.

The alien hesitantly moves his hands to grasp at the hem of Dave's shirt, and when the human doesn't protest, he slowly pulls it over his head. Dave leans further into the kiss and climbs onto the bed to straddle Dravok's lap.

Dravok leans back to get a better look as he runs his scaly hands over Dave's chest, pausing over his nipples, “This is how you feed your young, correct?” he asks, circling around them with his fingers.

“Not exactly,” says Dave, suppressing a laugh. “I'm a man, only women produce milk. I'm not really sure why nature gave men nipples.”

“Fascinating,” says the alien, as his hands travel south and begin to unbuckle Dave's belt. Dave raises up as Dravok pulls his pants and boxers down in one swift tug. “And is this just out all the time, even when you aren’t using it?” he asks, grasping Dave’s half hard cock in his hand.

“Yeah, most of the time it just kinda dangles there. Does yours not?” asks Dave, glancing down to Dravok’s crotch hoping to get a peek at what he is about to be working with.

“Zarthaxian genitals are conveniently tucked away when not in use, although if you keep doing that, you will be meeting mine very soon,” says Dravok, reaching behind his back to undo the laces of his corset.

Dave moves behind him to help. “You really went all out, didn’t you?”

“My research suggested that this is the clothing that your species finds most pleasing,” says Dravok.

“Where did you do this ‘research’?” asks Dave with a laugh.

“Pornhub, mostly,” says Dravok. “I learned a lot about human mating behaviors there,”

Dave chokes and takes a moment to finish coughing before responding, “Pornhub is more for uh ‘entertainment’ than to use as an actual how-to guide,” he says as he unties the last of the laces and helps the alien out of the red lace corset.

“Oh, that feels much better,” says Dravok, taking a deep breath. 

Dave rubs the place on the alien’s back where the corset had dug in, smoothing out the surprisingly soft blue scales. Then he slowly moves around to climb back into the alien’s lap. He has never been with a guy this much bigger than him before. It is weird, but also nice. He knows that Dravok could just pin him down and take him if he wanted to, and a dark part of him almost hopes it happens.

Dravok smooths his hands down Dave’s back until he is clutching at the human’s butt, spreading his cheeks and rubbing over his hole with his thumb. Dave’s breath hitches and he presses forward, seeking friction against the alien’s scaly abdomen. Dravok pulls back “I almost skipped a step, that would’ve been very unpleasant,” he says, pulling a bottle of lube from underneath the pillow behind him.

He pours the lube over his hand and continues where he left off, rubbing against Dave’s hole with his thumb and slowly sliding it in. Dave leans his face against the alien’s chest and presses back against the intrusion, trying to force it in deeper. Dave feels something soft and slimy wrap around his leg and pulls back to look down. He sees a long dark blue tentacle emerging from a slit between the alien’s legs and sliding up and over the waistband of the red lace panties that the alien is still wearing.

He isn’t sure if it will fit, but damn is he determined to try. He reaches down to stroke it with his hand and it wraps around his wrist as a second, smaller tentacle emerges and slides around to join the alien’s thumb inside his hole. After a moment the thumb is pulled out and replaced by two long fingers as the thin tentacle writhes against his prostate. “Right there, that’s what I like,” he pants out, resting against the alien’s chest.

Dave can feel the fingers moving in and out and scissoring him open as the small tentacle maintains its position against his prostate, punching gasps out of him with each wiggle. After a few minutes he is impossibly hard and leaking as the alien pulls out and picks him up as though he weighs nothing and positions him on his hands and knees.

He feels the larger tentacle enter him, stretching him further than he has ever been stretched before. The smaller tentacle slithers forward and wraps around his cock. Dave moans at the contact. He is pretty sure this experience is going to ruin him for humans forever. There is no way anything else can ever compare to what is happening right now.

The tentacle inside him continues pressing deeper for what feels like an eternity, twisting and turning inside him. He looks down and he can see his stomach bulging slightly from the size of it. He lifts one of his hands and rubs over the place where the tentacle is causing his stomach to protrude. The tentacle stutters slightly before continuing it’s travel through his guts. Finally he can feel Dravok fully pressed against him, leaning over his back and pressing wet kisses down the back of his neck.

The smaller tentacle continues stroking along his cock as the larger pulls out a few inches before slamming back in. It is difficult to think through the overwhelming pleasure, but Dave suspects that the slime that was coating the tentacles must be doing something to ease the stretch. He never considered himself a size queen before, but this might make him reconsider.

The movement picks up speed as the two tentacles continue to work him inside and out. Dave’s arms give out and he falls face first into the pillow. Dravok’s strong arms hold his lower half up as his legs threaten to do the same. Dave comes with a muffled shout, and the alien keeps going without letting up. 

He feels something impossibly large press against his rim and tries to scramble away, but the strong hands on his thighs hold him in place as the object forces its way in. 

He can feel the burn from his ass stretching to accommodate the intrusion even through the haze of whatever secretions coated the tentacle inside him. It must be nearly the size of his fist. The alien is now pressed flush against him, panting out praises and rubbing one hand through his hair while holding him in place with the other. He feels a moment of relief once it is all the way in.

The object continues traveling up the entire length of the tentacle inside him, he watches the bulge of his stomach in fascination as it shifts around the object inside him. The smaller tentacle releases it’s hold on him as the larger one slides out. Large hands pick him up and gently lay him on his side. The alien brushes his hair out of his face where it has come loose from his ponytail and spoons him from behind. 

It takes Dave a moment to get his bearings, but once he does his hand claps to the slight bulge at his lower abdomen and he rolls over to face the alien. “Is this what I think it is?” he asks, eyes going wide.

Dravok smiles, “An egg, just like you requested,” he says, looking very proud of himself.

“I...requested?” Dave says in confusion before shaking it off, that doesn’t matter now. “So, when and how do I get it out?” he asks, looking down in concern. “I’ve never laid an egg before, so I’m going to need some instructions here.”

“You aren’t going to lay an egg. Over the next couple of days the shell will dissolve and the embryo will attach to the wall of the breeding pouch Kuldo installed when you first entered the ship.” says Dravok, rubbing his hand fondly over the small bump.

“Breeding pouch? That’s what that was? I thought it had something to do with safe space travel. Next time I’m asking more questions.” says Dave with a sigh, leaning back onto the pillow.

“The males of your species don’t come equipped with one, I checked,” says Dravok. “In order to make this like The Sims, some alterations had to be made. Kuldo was pretty taken aback once we got back to the ship and looked the game up, but I’m always up for a little adventure,” says Dravok, waggling his eyebrows.

“Fuck, this really is like in The Sims. Why does the best sex always have to come with a catch?” Dave thinks to himself, trying hard to keep his expression neutral in the face of the knowledge that this is all a misunderstanding based on a bad joke he made a week ago.

He lays there thinking for a few moments, unsure how to proceed with the knowledge that he is now pregnant with an alien. His neighbors said he wasn’t taking this seriously enough, and maybe they were right. 

Dave takes a deep breath to steady himself “So, was this your plan for Earth?” he asks.

Dravok looks taken aback, “No, of course not. Most Zarthaxians would not be on board with this, even if we are having a bit of a population crisis at the moment,”

“Population crisis?” Dave asks curiously.

“Yeah, we are spread thin over the galaxy and our population hasn’t been able to keep up with our territory gains,” the alien says.

“So what are your plans for us?” asks Dave. 

“I’m not technically supposed to tell you this, the higher ups worry that it will incite panic. We are trying to decide if Earth should be allowed into the galactic council, and if so, if it should be under its own leadership or as a colony. There were also rumblings about safety concerns with your planet, due to the warlike nature of many of your people. The last I heard, destruction was off the table, but isolation is still a possibility,” says Dravok, looking thoughtful. “I don’t want isolation to be the solution, I had fun today,” he says.

“I enjoyed myself until the egg, that was a bit much,” says Dave. “How long is gestation, and how big is this thing going to get?” he asks, pressing down on the hard lump of the egg in his lower abdomen.

Dravok looks thoughtful for a moment before answering, “I had to convert it to units you would be familiar with. The average Zarthaxian infant is born after just under a year’s gestation and weighs between 12 and 15 pounds. Since ours will be a hybrid, you can expect it to fall halfway between what is normal for a Zarthaxian and what would be normal for a human.” he says.

“So I’m looking at around ten months and ten pounds, great,” says Dave sarcastically as he burrows under the covers. “Is it okay if I just hang out here for a while? I have a lot to think about.”

“We are still several hours away from our first stop, I will come back to get you when we arrive. I need to go tell Kuldo that the impregnation was a success,” says Dravok, bending down to kiss him on the forehead before leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

Dave sighs and rolls onto his back, placing his hands on his stomach and feeling the hardened lump of the egg inside. On one hand, he always wanted to be the first at something, and being the first guy to fuck an alien definitely qualifies. On the other hand, being the first man to get pregnant and give birth to a half-alien baby was not exactly what he had in mind.

The sex was mind-blowing, maybe if he plays his cards right he can get a repeat performance, hopefully without the egg part at the end, that part got weird. Well, the whole experience was weird, but the rest of it was exactly the kind of weird he is into.

There’s not much that can be done about it now, at least not without risking offending the aliens that are currently trying to decide the fate of the entire planet. All he can really do is play along and see where this goes.


End file.
